The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
