she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
