You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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