so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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