you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Randomize
