She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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