just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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