I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Someone came in the potted fern
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
