Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
