She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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