dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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