i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
