We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
