I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
