You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
