I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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