Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
