oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
They should really pass out barf bags in church
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
