This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
