The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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