this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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