i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
