This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
either way he was missing a nipple.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
