I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
