I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Your cock deserves a montage
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Randomize
