think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
So many bounce houses so little time
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
