Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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