Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
All I want is dick and wine.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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