girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
