You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
