Betty ford says i'm here all night
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
