a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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