i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
