I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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