PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
So many bounce houses so little time
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
