So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I smell like Dick and happiness
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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