He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
