I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
