you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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