If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
