im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
