I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
