I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
