How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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