Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
