I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
