quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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