Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
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Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
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My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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