I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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