Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
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There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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