"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
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