I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
