A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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