Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
