I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
