Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
