apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
