Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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