Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
