I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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